Letting go of an identity

Two years ago I put on my Canadian Forces (CF) uniform for my last day of work and got ready to start a job with the Government of Yukon. I was making the switch because I had the opportunity to become part of a different component of the reserves and it meant I couldn't hold my current job. It was a great opportunity and I was so excited, it was the culmination of years of experience and both CF and civilian schooling. I knew there was a strong chance that I would have to do some extra training, which I was more than willing to do, but first I had to wait for an assessment. So I waited.

Time went by and in the meantime life moved on. I had a baby and started making plans for more, at least one if not two. Two years later the decision has come back that I will need to do 14 consecutive weeks of training away, to be completed within the next two years. It would mean three months away from my young daughter as well as putting plans for more babies on hold. So far, I have spent no more than four hours away from Kaitlyn and I can't imagine the idea of spending a night away let alone three months!

I know that all over the world women have to spend time away from their families in order to serve. I know this and as I've been making my decision it's something that I keep repeating to myself. I'm not the only one that has ever had to leave their family. Others have to give so much more in service to their country. But my heart argues that service in the reserves shouldn't be such a hardship. The idea of volunteering shouldn't be so heartbreaking.

I have spent more than half my life in a uniform of some kind, affiliated with the CF first as a cadet and then as a cadet instructor and as a public affairs officer. I have put so much time and energy into this part of my life. Being in uniform is more than half of my identity, it is what has shaped me as a person for more than 18 years. It has opened so many doors, influenced every decision I've ever made and is, to be honest, the only place I have felt like I properly belonged. It is where I have formed almost all of my friendships and relationships. So it's with a heavy heart and a heavy mind that I've decided to pass on the opportunity to make that transfer and instead become inactive, similar to releasing.

I won't be putting on a uniform again for a long time, if ever, because I can't bring myself to let go of my role as mother for long enough to do it. My priority in life right now is to be the best mother I can be and that means not going away. It's the first time I've had to let go of something that I wanted because of motherhood and despite the fact that my daughter is the most important thing in my life, it's the hardest decision I've ever made.

Accepting the award for Top Candidate on the Reserve Basic Public Affairs Officer Course in 2009