Just a little song and dance

I have that feeling you get when you face the reality that a dream is never going to come true. Utter, crushing disappointment. It's not that I ever really thought I was going to be a professional singer but until tonight, it at least seemed like something I could have done.

Back in July, I wrote about a dream I've always had to be a singer and I said that I was going to take a dance class and try out for a musical. I did take the dance class but I didn't try out for the show. One reason is that after going back to work I realized that I didn't want to take any more time away from Kaitlyn than I had to and the intense rehearsal schedule would have been too much. The other reason is that I realized in my dance class that it wasn't really a strength and although I had fun, I was way out of my league and there were a lot of very talented people lining up for parts in that show.

So, I re-joined the Whitehorse Community Choir and went back to my roots. This semester we are doing Broadway tunes, including my all-time most favourite song ever, Memory (from Cats). This is a song I've been singing to myself several times a day since I was eight years old, the first of three times that I have seen Cats. So when it was announced that the opening lines would be a solo, I literally almost fell down with excitement. I felt like a character on Glee, obsessed with getting a solo and convinced that I would simply die if it wasn't me.

I practiced on my keyboard. I recorded myself on Garage Band to see how it sounded, and loved the results. I drove Keith and the cats insane with my repetition of the same eight bars. I have it absolutely nailed and I swear to you that I can sing this song beautifully and in my sleep. In fact, I probably do and it might explain Kaitlyn waking up so much lately.

Finally, tonight was the audition. I stood up for my turn and it was... terrible. My timing was off and I sounded like a terrified little girl. The image I had of myself standing up to sing in a beautiful somewhat-operatic stage voice crumbled as I realized that I was off tempo, wavering and far too quiet. 

I've never sung along with the music before. I wasn't paying attention to the piano and it threw me off. That, and the the girl who sang before me had a gorgeous voice and nailed it. I tried another song, Think of Me from The Phantom of The Opera, and the same thing happened. An octave transition that I easily managed at home was almost impossible in audition. So maybe that's it. Maybe I'm one of those people that can only sing in the shower except that for me, the shower is home and it's only good as long as there is no accompanying music.

So for tonight, my dreams are crushed. I've realized I'm never going to stand up and wow everyone with my voice out of nowhere. That kind of talent takes practice, and a lot of dedication. And maybe a bit more nerve than I had tonight. But at least I can comfort myself with a hot spiced rum, the knowledge that at least I tried, and a plan to take voice lessons from the girl who nailed it before I could even open my mouth.